Gems of Wisdom - Responding to criticism without being defensive

In an actual war, to be attacked means to have our survival threatened. Thus, we might choose between surrender, withdrawal, or counterattack.

When we feel attacked (criticized or judged) by others in conversation, we often move into that same kind of survival mentality and automatically defend ourselves. But conversation is different than war. When we defend against criticism, we give more power to the criticism and the person dishing it out than is warranted.

I think we often ward off criticism far too soon, discarding anything that is valid, as well as what is invalid. The person's words may hurt, but they will hurt less, I think, if we ask questions, decide which pieces we agree with (if any) and which ones we don't agree with.

We can just think about it, we don't have to fight it as if we were being attacked with a lethal weapon.

I watch people's self-esteem increase simply from becoming less defensive in the face of criticism and judgment. Besides, we may find a priceless gem in with some junk.

Gems of Wisdom - Ease off your expectations a little!

Life just isn’t neat and trouble-free. We all have bad days. Sometimes people are rude or insensitive. Phone lines and computers occasionally break down.
   
When I met Ravi, he worked for a software development company. He described it as his first “real job.” He was young and had exceptionally high expectations. The problem was, many of his expectations weren’t being met. He wasn’t being treated with the degree of respect he wanted (or expected), and his ideas weren’t being taken seriously. He felt under-appreciated and taken for granted. He was frustrated and burned-out.

I suggested he lower his expectations and consider thinking of his job in a new way. I asked him to see his job as a stepping stone to bigger and better things later on. He took the suggestion to heart, and his world began to change for the better.

Make room in your heart for bad moods, mistakes, errors, and glitches. Instead of spending so much time being annoyed about the way things unfold, take most of them in stride. This will conserve your energy and, ultimately, make you more productive.
   
No matter how hard you try, life still isn’t always going to go as planned. One of the best ways to deal with this inevitability is to stop expecting it to be otherwise. So ease off your expectations a little. Then you won’t be easily disappointed.

Gems of Wisdom - Give yourself some appreciation!

For most of us, there are times when we feel underappreciated, as if no one understands how hard we work and how much we are sincerely trying.

At times, it’s important to stop what you are doing and give yourself sincere appreciation. Take a few moments to reflect on what you’ve been doing and on the nature of your intentions and actions. Mentally review your accomplishments.

Almost everyone loves to be patted on the back by others. It feels good. However, when it’s not happening, don’t let it get you down or adversely affect your attitude. Praise from others is never a certainty, and making it a condition of your happiness is a really bad idea.

What you can do is praise yourself and pat yourself on the back. Be honest and genuine regarding your compliments. If you’re doing a good service, give yourself some credit. If you’re making life a little better for even one person, or making any type of contribution to society, give yourself some credit.

You deserve to be recognized. Actually take the time to do so.

Gems of Wisdom - Ever struggled to find an answer?

Have you ever struggled to find an answer? You think and think, rack your brain, and analyze the data. You go over and over the same sets of facts, yet nothing seems to happen.

When you think in this manner, you often feel insecure, frightened, and quite stressed. You’re easily bothered because you’re trying so hard to figure everything out. You’re trying hard, exerting effort, and tiring easily. There’s a part of you that isn’t sure you’ll be able to find an answer.

Then for whatever reason you stop thinking – you quiet your mind—you forget about whatever is occupying your mind and, like magic, an answer appears. And not just any answer, a perfect answer!

The next time you find yourself mentally struggling, try quieting down your mind. You may be surprised at how quickly and easily the answer you need will come to you.

Gems of Wisdom - This too shall pass

Part 1 of 2
Once a king called upon all of his wise men and asked them, "Is there a suggestion which works in every situation, in every circumstance, in every place and in every time. All wise men got puzzled by the king’s question.

After a lengthy discussion, an old man suggested something which appealed to all of them. They went to the king and gave him something written on paper. But the condition was that king was not to see it out of curiosity. Only in extreme danger, when the king finds himself alone and there seems to be no way, only then he’ll have to see it. The king put the paper under his diamond ring.

After a few days, the neighbors attacked the kingdom. It was a surprise attack by the king’s enemies. The king and his army fought bravely but lost the battle. The king fled on his horse with the enemies following him. His horse took him far away in the jungle.

He could hear many troops of horses following him and the sound was coming closer and closer. Suddenly the king found himself standing at the end of the road. Underneath there was a rocky valley thousand feet deep. The sound of the enemy’s horses was approaching fast. The king became restless. There seemed to be no way.

Then suddenly he saw the diamond in his ring shining in the sun, and he remembered the message hidden in the ring. He opened the diamond and read the message. The message was very small but very great. The message was – "This too will pass."

The king read it. Again read it. Suddenly something struck him- Yes! It too will pass.

Only a few days ago, I was enjoying my kingdom. I was the mightiest of all the kings. Yet today, the kingdom and all my pleasures have gone. I am here trying to escape from enemies. However when those days of luxuries have gone, this day of danger too will pass. He became calm.

Part 2 of 2

After a few minutes king realized that the noise of the horses and the enemy coming was receding. They moved into some other part of the mountains.

The king was very brave. He reorganized his army and fought again. He defeated the enemy and regained his lost empire. When he returned to his empire after victory, he was received with much fan fare. The whole capital was rejoicing in the victory. Everyone was in a festive mood. Flowers were being thrown on the king from every house, from every corner.  People were dancing and singing. For a moment king said to himself, "I am one of the bravest and greatest king. It is not easy to defeat me."

With all the reception and celebration he saw an ego emerging in him. Suddenly the diamond of his ring flashed in the sunlight and reminded him of the message. He opened it and read it again: "This too will pass" He became silent. His face went through a total change -from the egoist he moved to a state of utter humbleness.

If this too is going to pass, it is not yours. The defeat was not yours, the victory is not yours. You are just a watcher. Everything passes by. We are witness of all this. Life comes and goes. Happiness comes and goes. Sorrow comes and goes.
   
Sit silently and evaluate your own life. Think of the moments of joy and victory in your life. Think of the moment of sorrow and defeat. Are they permanent? They all come and pass away. Life just passes away. There were friends in the past. They have gone. There are friends today. They too will go. There will be new friends tomorrow. They too will go. There were enemies in the past. They have gone. There may be enemies in the present. They too will go. There will be new enemies tomorrow and they too will go.

Gems of Wisdom - Recognizing patterns of behavior!

No matter where you work or what you do, becoming an expert in recognizing patterns of behavior can help you reduce the stress in your life by eliminating many of your unnecessary interpersonal conflicts. When you learn to recognize patterns of behavior, you’ll be able to detect problems before they have a chance to get out of hand, nip certain arguments in the bud, and prevent hassles that might otherwise manifest themselves.
   
If you take a careful look at the people you work with, you’ll probably agree that most people (you and I too) have a tendency to repeat patterns and engage in habitual reactions. In other words, we tend to be bothered by some things, irritated by the same set of circumstances, argue over the same sets of facts, and act defensively toward certain types of behavior. Indeed, for most of us, our reactions to life, particularly stress, are fairly predictable.
   
This being the case, it’s enormously helpful to take careful note of the people you work with – and recognize any negative or destructive patterns of behavior that are likely to repeat themselves. You might notice, for example, that if you take on or challenge a member of your team, he will become defensive and tend to argue. This doesn’t mean it’s never appropriate to challenge him – there will certainly be times when it is. What it means is that when you recognize, with relative certainty, what’s going to happen if you engage in certain types of interactions, you might determine that it’s not worth getting into. In this way, you can avoid unnecessary conflict and spend your time and energy in more efficient ways.

Gems of Wisdom - Power of Association

There are two parts to influence: First, influence is powerful; and second, influence is subtle. You wouldn't let someone push you off course, but you might let someone nudge you off course and not even realize it.

Attitude is greatly shaped by influence and association.

Don't spend most of your time on the voices that don't count. Tune out the shallow voices so that you will have more time to tune in the valuable ones.

"No" puts distance between you and the wrong influence.
You must constantly ask yourself these questions: "Who am I around?" "What are they doing to me?" "What have they got me reading?" "What have they got me saying?" "Where do they have me going?" "What do they have me thinking?" And, most important, "What do they have me becoming?" Then ask yourself the big question: "Is that OK?"

Don't join an easy crowd; you won't grow. Go where the expectations and the demands to perform are high.

Some people you can afford to spend a few minutes with, but not a few hours.

Get around people who have something of value to share with you. Their impact will continue to have a significant effect on your life.

Gems of Wisdom - Reactive v/s Proactive person

As human beings, we are responsible for our own lives. Look at the word responsibility -- "response-ability" -- the ability to choose your response. Highly proactive people recognize that responsibility. They do not blame circumstances, conditions, or conditioning for their behavior. Their behavior is a product of their own conscious choice, rather than a product of their conditions, based on feeling.

Reactive people are often affected by their physical environment. If the weather is good, they feel good. If it isn't, it affects their attitude and their performance. Proactive people can carry their own weather with them. Whether it rains or shines makes no difference to them. They are value driven; and if their value is to produce good quality work, it isn't a function of whether the weather is conducive to it or not.

Reactive people are also affected by their social environment, by the "social weather." When people treat them well, they feel well; when people don't, they become defensive or protective. Reactive people build their emotional lives around the behavior of others, empowering the weaknesses of other people to control them.

Reactive people are driven by feelings, by circumstances, by conditions, by their environment. Proactive people are driven by values -- carefully thought about, selected and internalized values.

As Eleanor Roosevelt observed, "No one can hurt you without your consent. They cannot take away our self respect if we do not give it to them."

It is our willing permission, our consent to what happens to us, that hurts us far more than what happens to us in the first place.

Gems of Wisdom - The key to effective confrontation!

The key to effective confrontation is to be firm yet gentle and respectful. Approach the confrontation with the assumption that there is a solution and that you will be able to work things out. Rather than assessing blame and assuming fault, try to see the innocence in yourself as well as in the other person. Rather than using phrases that are almost guaranteed to elicit a defensive response such as: “You’ve made a big mistake and we need to talk,” try instead to say things with a little more humility, something like, “I’m a little confused about something. Can you help me out?”

More important than the words you use, however, are your feelings. Try to avoid confrontation when you’re angry or stressed out. It’s always best to wait a little while until you get your perspective, or until your mood rises. Keep in mind that most people are reasonable, respectful, and willing to listen when dealing with a calm, collected person who is speaking honestly from his heart.

When you approach your confrontations in a gentle manner, it not only produces more effective results, but it keeps your own stress level down as well. There is something very comforting about knowing that you’re going to keep yourself cool regardless of what you must do. In addition, you’ll have fewer battles to fight, and those that you do have will be shorter and less severe. You’ll receive more cooperation and respect from others and, perhaps most importantly, your own thoughts and feelings will be much nicer.

Gems of Wisdom - Put the glass down!

A professor began his class by holding up a glass with some water in it. He held it up for all to see and asked the students,' How much do you think this glass weighs?'

'50gms!'.... '100gms!'.....'125gms'...the students answered.

What would happen if I held it up like this for a few minutes?

'Nothing' the students said.

'Ok what would happen if I held it up like this for an hour?' the professor asked.

'Your arm would begin to ache' said one of the students.

You're right, now what would happen if I held it for a day?'

'Your arm could go numb, you might have severe muscle stress and paralysis and have to go to hospital for sure!' ventured another student and all the students laughed.

'Very good. But during all this, did the weight of the glass change?’ asked the professor.

'No'

'Then what caused the arm ache and the muscle stress?'

'Put the glass down!' said one of the students.

'Exactly!' said the professor.' Life's problems are something like this.Hold it for a few minutes in your head and they seem OK. Think of them for a long time & they begin to ache. Hold it even longer and they begin to paralyze you.'

It's important to think of the challenges (problems) in your life, but EVEN more important to 'put them down' at the end of every day before you go to sleep. That way, you are not stressed, you wake up every day fresh and strong & can handle any issue, any challenge that comes your way!

So, when you leave office today, remember to 'PUT THE GLASS DOWN TODAY!'

Gems of Wisdom - People you associate with will infect your thinking

Once, there was a pristine green field that was alive and lush, amidst the extraordinary bloom of springtime. Next to it happened to sit another field. This one was full of weeds, dirt and rough edged stones. This field was a testament to mediocrity and an acute lack of care.

Through the operation of nature's laws, the seeds of the weeds from the mediocre field were slowly blown over to the lush field. And so, day by day, the once stunningly beautiful one - with once awesome potential - succumbed to the influence of its low-grade next door neighbor.
   
Before the season was through, there sat two fields. Both completely overcome by weeds.

Important lesson:

Your influences and environments matter. The content of what you read/watch/listen will affect your thinking, feeling and willing. The people you associate with will infect your thinking.

John F Kennedy said, “You are the same today as you will be in five years except for two things, the people you associate with and the books you read.”

Gems of Wisdom - Be enthusiastic

When we are enthusiastic about what we do, success will follow!

Enthusiasm is a critical element of success. Enthusiasm is a virtually unstoppable, attitudinal force that generates energy, creativity, and productivity. When you love what you do, it’s difficult not to succeed. Your enthusiasm is obvious to everyone around you and contagious.

It’s important to ask yourself: How safe is it really, spending your time doing something you don’t enjoy? How well can you perform a task you dread? How creative and original is your thinking?

The answers to each of these questions are clear: Without enthusiasm, your odds of success are minimal. You will either struggle or burn out completely. But the opposite is just as true when enthusiasm for your work fills your heart.

Gems of Wisdom - Steps you can take to ease the sting of criticism

To become a top performer, you’ll need to open yourself up to feedback from those around you. Here are some steps you can take to ease the sting of criticism and begin to make it work for you, instead of against you.

1.Hit the Pause Button - It’s important to maintain your composure and not lash back or respond defensively to criticism. Take a breath. Don’t do or say anything. This brief pause not only helps you compose yourself and prepare to listen to what the other person has to say, it demonstrates your poise and self-confidence. Maintaining your composure when criticized shows that you’re in control.

2.Turn On Your Brain and Turn Off Your Emotions - It’s important to disconnect your automatic emotional response to criticism. Otherwise you won’t be able to objectively consider the value of the information. Focus on the words and facts, not on the feelings they generate within you. Regardless of how undiplomatic the other person is in delivering the feedback, tell yourself that it is designed to help you improve, not to tear you down.

3.Listen Carefully - Listen intently to what the other person is saying. If you’re busy formulating your rebuttal, you may miss some valuable information that can help you avoid errors in the future or improve your overall performance.

While any criticism can be discouraging, it’s important to keep in mind that negative feedback can contribute significantly to faster growth and higher performance.